Snorkeling in Wisconsin
How Cold Is It? An Annotated Thermometer
The Kappa Men of Cheer
Formula for Wapatuli
The 7 Deadly Sins
(Alcohol may have been involved.)
It's winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow
70 miles an hour
At 25 below.
Oh, how I love Wisconsin
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Wisconsin
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
An annotated thermometer
(degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius)
+50 / +10
• New York tenants turn on the heat
• Wisconsinites plant gardens
+40 / +4
• Californians shiver uncontrollably
• Wisconsinites sunbathe
+35 / +2
• Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
• Distilled water freezes
+30 / -1
• You can see your breath
• You plan a vacation in Florida
• Wisconsinites put on T-shirts
• Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
+25 / -4
• Boston water freezes
• Californians weep pitiably
• Wisconsinites eat ice cream
• Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20 / -7
• Cleveland water freezes
• San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
• Cranberry bog frost warnings
+15 / -10
• You plan a vacation in Acapulco
• Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
+10 / -12
• Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
• Too cold to snow
• You need jumper cables to get the car going
0 / -18
• New York landlords turn on the heat
• You plan a vacation in Hawaii
• Wisconsinites go swimming
-5 / -21
• You can hear your breath
• Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!
-10 / -23
• American cars don't start
• Too cold to skate
-15 / -26
• You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
• Miamians cease to exist
• Wisconsinites lick flagpoles
-20 / -29
• Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
• Politicians actually do something about the homeless
• People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25 / -32
• Too cold to kiss
• You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• Japanese cars don't start
• Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training
-30 / -34
• You plan a two-week hot bath
• Pilsener freezes
• Bock beer production begins
• Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof
-38 / -39
• Mercury freezes
• Too cold to think
• Wisconsinites button top button
-40 / -40
• Californians disappear
• Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• Canadians put on sweaters
• Record ice-fishing catch on Lake Mendota
-50 / -46
• Congressional hot air freezes
• Alaskans close the bathroom window
• Michiganders put gloves away, take out mittens
• Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60 / -51
• Walruses abandon Aleutians
• Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
• Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70 / -57
• Glaciers in Central Park
• Superior snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie
• Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
-80 / -62
• Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
• Birkebeiner at Hayward
-90 / -68
• Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
• Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
• Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it must be warmer
-100 / -73
• Santa Claus abandons North Pole
• Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
• Cheeseheads pull down earflaps
-173 / -114
• Ethyl alcohol freezes
• Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans
-297 / -183
• Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
• Microbial life survives only on dairy products
-445 / -265
-452 / -269
• Helium becomes a liquid
-454 / -270
• Hell freezes over
-456 / -271
• Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
• Madison study committee on downhill water flow turns in findings
-458 / -272
• Incumbent politician renounces campaign contribution
-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
• All atomic motion ceases
• Wisconsinites allow as how it's getting a mite nippy
(freely adapted from “The Engineer’s Drinking Song” of MIT)
Godiva was a lady who thru Coventry did ride
To show the loyal villagers her fine and pure white hide
The most observant man of all (an AKL of course)
Was the only one who noticed that Godiva rode a horse.
She said, "I've come a long, long way, and I will go as far
With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to a bar.”
The man who took her from her steed and lead her to a beer
Was a fine outstanding specimen of the Kappa men of cheer.
We are, we are, we are, we are the Kappa men of cheer;
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish 40 beers;
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, my boys, and come along with us
For we don’t give a damn for any damn man who don’t give a damn for us.
Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay.
They'd heard the Spanish rum fleet was headed out that way
But the Kappa men had beat them by a night and half a day,
Though drunk as lords were all the boys, you could still hear them say:
The Army boys and Navy boys went out to have some fun.
They went down to the taverns where the fiery liquors run
But all they found were empties for the Kappa men had come
And traded all their Gold Bond stamps for gallon kegs of rum.
Princeton's run by Wellesley, and Wellesley's run by Yale.
Yale is run by Vassar, and Vassar's run by tail.
LaCrosse is run by stiff pricks, the kind you raise by hand,
But Eau Claire’s run by Kappa men, the finest in the land.
Eau Claire State was Eau Claire State when Stout was still a pup
And Eau Claire State’ll be Eau Claire State when Stout is busted up
And any son of a bitch from Stout who thinks he’s in our class
Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the blugold’s ass.
If River Falls should send a man within our sacred walls
We’ll take him up to bio lab and amputate his balls
And if he hollers “uncle”, I’ll tell you what we’ll do:
We’ll stuff his ass with broken glass and seal it up with glue.
Superior has lots of lakes and lots of hillsides, too,
And lots and lots and lots and lots of girls who like to screw
But they had to close the college, they had to shut their gates:
When the gals heard tell of AKL, they left for Eau Claire State.
Leonard Haas has got a cock, and so has Willis Zorn
And both of theirs were bigger on the day that they were born.
Dr. Harry’s takes the cake; his just can’t be found.
But every Kappa’s pride and joy drags along the ground.
God looked down from Heaven and saw an AKL.
He said “That man will surely go directly down to Hell.”
The Kappa man looked up on high and said “Ya wanna bet?”
The Lord replied “The Devil’s tried, but he hasn’t beat me yet.”
So the Kappa man and God sat down and cut the cards to tell
Which one would have to shovel coals in the deepest pits of Hell.
“A king!”, said God, “That’s hard to beat. I think I’ve won the race.”
But he’s working for Old Nick today: The Kappa drew an ace.
4 L Rossville Grain Alcohol
4 L Fleischmann’s Vodka
4 L Gilbey’s Gin
4 L Guild Blue Ribbon Brandy
4 L Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice
2 L Corby’s Whiskey
22 L Canada Dry Lemon Sour
22 L Hawaiian Punch (red)
Serves 10 AKLs for a limited period of time
(AKA checklist for a Friday night in Eau Claire;
please proceed in exact alphabetical order.)
(OK, so really it’s Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Bashful, and Doc, but hey, Disney always did sappy way better than funny.)